(www.sass-pants.com) — Most days I’m fine. It’s been almost 6 years since my brother Jesse died. But tonight, I can’t get him out of my head. These nights, playing my guitar is what gets me through. Or maybe it makes it worse. I honestly haven’t decided yet. Yet. Like it just happened. But it’s been 2,071 days.
I try to play other songs on these nights, but my fingers keep drawing me back to the song I played at his funeral, on his guitar. We were 5 years apart in age, and we were finally getting to the point where we had stuff in common. I had picked up guitar (not well, I must admit) in high school and then he followed in my footsteps at about the same age. We jammed when I came home from college to visit. If you could call it jamming, I guess, and to be fair you probably couldn’t. But it was so much fun.
So when he died, and they asked if I wanted to say something at the funeral, I just knew that I needed to play his guitar since he would never be able to play it again. I picked “Family,” by Dar Williams, and my best friend, who bawled with me when I arrived in New Jersey from Virginia for the funeral, harmonized with me on the chorus.
I haven’t played my guitar much since then, or his. It’s really only these nights that it comes out anymore. I feel too sad. And playing the song I played at his funeral doesn’t really cheer me up, but it’s the only thing that feels appropriate, somehow. A major causal factor to my limited repertoire, I’m sure.
Other than that day before we drove to the cemetery and the occasional open mic at the bar where I worked during undergrad, I don’t really play in public. But tonight I’d really like to share this with you. So here I am, crazy hair, mistakes, and all.
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Do you have a song that’s the only one you want to hear or play when you’re going through darkness? What is it?
Contents Copyright © 2008 Kristen King