Kristen King » Mastiff Mayhem

My Dogs Are Morons and My Garage Smells Like Pee

Kristen King — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 14:52:59 +0000

(http://kristenking.com) —The dog owners among you have probably extrapolated that the garage smells like pee because the dogs are morons. It’s been raining for days, and rather than go outside in the yard like good dogs, like the well-mannered dogs they’re supposed to be, one or both of the big dogs has taken to peeing on boxes in the garage, where it is (was!) dry. And tools. And the garbage can. And Jesse’s motorcycles.

I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to get the smell of dog urine out of concrete, but it’s neither fun nor easy. Concrete, as you know, is porous. Urine, as you also know, is a liquid. Liquid is just excellent at seeping into pores and staying there until it dries, leaving its lovely, lovely aroma behind.

Scrubbing helps, but doesn’t do the job completely. I’ve tried soaking the affected areas with pools of soapy water, bleachy water, vinegary water, straight vinegar, and Nature’s Miracle. Yet, my garage still smells like dog pee, and I’m running out of ideas.

I guess I should be proud, in a way, that the dogs have such superior problem-solving skills. They don’t like getting wet, so they stay inside but not actual inside. It’s good logic, if you’re a dog. I wish I had comparable strategic skills.

Dog Disasters: Today’s Episode of “Things the Dogs Destroyed or Ate” — A 30-lb Bag of Dog Food and 9 Rolls of Paper Towels

Kristen King — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 21:50:33 +0000

(www.meowbarkblog.com) — I’m either a glutton for punishment or just slow on the uptake, because I thought I could run out to the post office for a few minutes the other day without worrying about the dogs making some kind of mess. We don’t let them loose in the house when we leave anymore because they’re so darn creative and brilliant at getting to things the shouldn’t have, and I figured there was nothing that would appeal to them in the mudroom or garage in the 15 minutes I was gone.

I was wrong.

I managed to pick up most of the dog food before I thought to take a picture, and about half of the paper towels were somewhat salvageable, however slobbery. None of them can go on a paper towel holder, though because the dogs ripped through so many layers that the individual sheets are no longer connected in most cases.

Sigh. When will I ever learn?

Pet Humor: Water-Loving English Mastiff — Video

Kristen King — Sat, 31 Jan 2009 20:01:33 +0000

(www.meowbarkblog.com) — My English mastiff Murphy and this dog must have been separated at birth, because they both are total water babies.

Dog Disasters — Today’s Episode of “Things the Dogs Destroyed or Ate”: A 2.5-lb Box of Chocolates

Kristen King — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 03:39:33 +0000

(www.meowbarkblog.com) — I got a frantic call from my husband today while I was pulling into the chiropractor’s parking lot about 35 minutes from our house. (I need adjustments 3x/week for the next 4 weeks thanks to my recent car accident.)

“The alarm is going off at the house!”

“Well, I’m at the doctor and I won’t be home for over half an hour if leave now, so…”

“Okay, I’ll tell them to send the police.”

Dave,* who’s been living with us for a few months while waiting for his wife to get a transfer from her job 3 hours from HIS new job, beat me home and called Jesse with the news: “The dogs ate that big box of chocolate. I think it set off the alarm when they were scraping the plastic across the floor.”

Oh, great. My dogs, who just a few days earlier, downed 10 lbs of flour, just ate 2.5 lbs of chocolate. Does it get any better?

Fortunately for all of us, it wasn’t very good-quality chocolate, so the amount of cocoa consumed even if one dog had eaten the whole thing alone would have been minimal. So far, everyone seems just fine. Even Pickles, who we learned from the projectile vomiting post-flour, tends to have a more sensitive stomach than the other dogs. Awesome. What else can they POSSIBLY get into?

Not his real name.

(image: SXC.hu)

Dog Disasters — Today’s Episode of “Things the Dogs Destroyed or Ate”: 10 lbs. of Flour

Kristen King — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 21:10:15 +0000

(www.meowbarkblog.com) — We came home from visiting family last night to find a white explosion all over the kitchen and living room. We should have known better than to leave the flour on the counter in preparation for tonight’s fried chicken dinner. But honestly, what is appealing about 10 lbs of flour? The world may never know. And my rug will never be the same.

My bedspread will never be the same, either, because about an hour after we got home, Pickles projectile-vomited a disgusting green half-liquid, half-paste mixture all over it. Oh, and have you ever used a regular vacuum to suck up 10 lbs of flour? I don’t recommend it. And neither does the manufacturer, I’m sure.

These dogs are VERY lucky we love them so much. Otherwise, we would be selling them to the circus, I swear. Oh, and did I mention how fun it is to clean flour from every surface in your home two days after getting in a car accident and having limited to no mobility due to back injury? It’s a blast.

Previous episodes:

Mastiff Mayhem: Shelf-Climbing Bullmastiff (or, “I just gotta have one of those toys!”)

Kristen King — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 18:29:12 +0000

(www.meowbarkblog.com) — If there’s one thing Ty loves, it’s stuffed animals. And he’s going to get them, no matter what it takes! See what I mean?

We call him Mr. Barky Buns Big Head. I’m sure you can figure out why.

Mastiff Mayhem: Zen and the Art of Counter-Surfing

Kristen King — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 00:37:11 +0000

(www.meowbarkblog.com) — Oh boy, oh boy, the dogs learned a new trick! It’s called “jump up on the counter and eat stuff they have no business eating and then shred the evidence all over the house so no one can prove nuttin’.” It’s totally precious. Except for NOT.

About two weeks ago, I came home from the post office and everything seemed normal. Until I went to make lunch and couldn’t find the baguette I had thought was on the kitchen counter. I called my husband at work.

“Did you take the baguette to work with you?”

“Uh, no, why?” he asked, like that wasn’t a perfectly reasonable question.

“I can’t fi– oh my God, is that part of a PANERA BAG????”

“What are you talking about?”

“Murphy just rolled over and there is part of a Panera bag under him on the dog bed.” I later found small pieces of it in about six other locations. But not nearly enough to make a whole bag. Hmm.

“Maybe you should talk to him about the baguette.”

“Yeah, thanks.”

In the week or so that followed, the dogs consumed:

Half a pan of brownies
A box of Krispy Kreme donuts
A bag of single-serve coffee filters
A raw, unwashed sweet potato
Part of a grilled cheese sandwich
Several paper plates and napkins
Eight (8!!!!!) empty cardboard boxes
A sheaf of brochures from my husband’s old company

And those are just the items we found evidence of. I shudder to think what may have gone missing without our noticing yet.

At first we thought it was Ty (he HAS been mighty pushy when I open the fridge lately), but based on last night and this morning, we’re pretty sure it’s Murphy. You see, Murphy has food allergies. Wheat, corn, beef, things normal dogs can eat. We switched him to food that doesn’t contain those things and limited his treat intake, and his dandruff and horrible stomach rash went away.

So when his rash came back in one small spot on his inner thigh (is that what you call it on a dog?) a few days ago and then spread with a vengeance I’ve never seen to the rest of his stomach last night, I took him to the vet right away. Turns out he has a staph infection (!!!) because he licked the living daylights out of it over the last few days, unbeknownst to me. The diagnosis? “Must be the stolen food,” the vet said solemnly. She did not add, “You neglectful dog-mother, you,” though I suspect from her expression that she was thinking it.

Now, not only do we have to change his TREATS to make extra sure he’s not consuming any allergens whatsoever and stop giving him people food entirely (what, you do it too, shut up), we can’t leave anything edible (or inedible, for that matter) on our counters or tables, lest he scarf them down.

It’s kind of like childproofing, except your toddler has the reach of a six-foot-tall adult and will not only mouth but actually consume whatever he can acquire.

Why did he have to finally realize just how tall he is???

Previous episodes of “Things Murphy Destroyed or Ate”:

Too Much Too Soon?

Kristen King — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 16:21:49 +0000

(www.meowbarkblog.com) — I came home from my Bible study last night and Ty was holding up his nonsurgery leg. It looks like he may have done something to his paw or his ankle, but that may just be wishful thinking on my part because I can’t bear the thought that his original bad knee is messed up again. I am just beating myself for not making him stay in the crate no matter what for the whole six weeks…

We have a vet appointment today at 4:45, and I’m trying to keep him comfortable in the meantime. Last night when I took him out to go to the bathroom, he fell down the patio stairs on the way back in because he couldn’t hold himself up. I was home alone, so I had to carry him myself. We both barely made it up, but we got inside.

This morning, he wouldn’t come out of his crate until I got in there with him and picked up his back end, and then as soon as he got out he laid down again. We repeated the process several times until I got him outside to go potty, and then I lifted his back end so he could wheelbarrow-walk up the steps with his front paws. Hopefully he won’t need to go again until we leave for the vet. I don’t know if either of us can take it.

Mastiff Mayhem — Today’s Episode of “Things Murphy Destroyed or Ate”: My Glasses Case

Kristen King — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 22:41:35 +0000

(www.meowbarkblog.com) — It’s been a while since we had an episode of “Things Murphy Destroyed or Ate,” so it was about time for him to ruin something. And ruin it he did.

This used to be my glasses case:

From what I can glean from the crime scene, one of the cats knocked the case to the floor from my nightstand while fleeing from Murphy. Thwarted in his attempts to eat the kitty, he ate the case instead. Fortunately, the glasses were on my face instead of in the case.

Earlier episodes:

He’s going to grow out of this soon, right?

Ty’s Surgery Was a Complete Success

Kristen King — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 17:37:38 +0000

(www.meowbarkblog.com) — Tomorrow marks three weeks since Ty’s cruciate ligament surgery. He got his stitches out six days ago, and the doctor proclaimed him “the healingest dog I ever saw,” saying he was doing better at 2 weeks than most dogs were at 6 weeks.

Of course I’m one proud mommy!

He is almost back to normal, which is great except that he has three more weeks of not being able to do anything but laze around the house and go outside only on leash and only to potty and come back in. He’s bored out of his giant, giant skull, but his attitude is positive (if mischievous).

Oh, and did I mention that we’ve completely given up on trying to keep him off the furniture?