I’ve been on a self-improvement kick of late and have been taking a hard look at myself and my life. Something that keeps coming back to me are excellent pieces of advice I’ve received over the years.

• “Just because someone has a lesson to learn doesn’t mean you have to teach it to him.”
• “Do what needs to be done when it needs to be done the way it needs to be done whether you feel like doing it or not.”
• “When you’re wrong, admit it. When you’re right, shut up.”
• “Never stop being your husband’s girlfriend or wife’s boyfriend.”

Particularly as I’ve been trying to improve my marriage to a wonderful man whom I adore by making changes to myself, I’ve realized that these brilliant recommendations apply in so many areas. How could you put them to use?

“Just because someone has a lesson to learn doesn’t mean you have to teach it to him.”

Who Said It: My mother-in-law (DH’s mom)

What It Means: Let’s face it: Some people are just jerks, and there’s nothing you can do about it. But most of the time, folks aren’t trying to be mean, annoying, inconsiderate, etc. When they do the things that drive you nuts or make you cringe, they’re just oblivious to the fact that their actions are wrong, inappropriate, or otherwise disquieting. While it sure would be nice to believe that your saying something about it would solve the problem, chances are that ain’t happening. So unless you’re in imminent danger, let it go.

Where You Can Use It: Everywhere. Whether it’s the driver who cut you off in traffic or the spouse who never manages to get his/her clothes into the hamper, is it really worth ruining your day? Some things just aren’t that important. Clearly if that guy is driving so fast he has somewhere very important to be. And clearly you care more about the little details of laundry aim than your partner does — so get out of the way and pick the clothes up yourself.

Why It’s Hard to Do Sometimes: I believe that we were created in God’s image (Gen 1:26,27), and the Bible tells us that He is a lover of justice (Ps 37:28) who feels hurt in his heart when he sees bad things happening in the Earth (Gen 6:5,6). So if we were made to mirror his qualities, it’s only logical that we would also feel hurt and even indignation when we see wrongs being committed around us, however minor. The big difference is that where God can see what’s in people’s hearts, we can’t — so it’s not up to us to make decisions about other people’s intentions or “teach them a lesson” when we don’t like something they’ve done. (This, of course, does not apply to things that are dangerous or illegal, in which case we have a moral obligation to speak up, but that still doesn’t mean we have to do the teaching. We can stop at the calling-the-police. It also doesn’t apply to providing your children with appropriate loving discipline and guidance. But you knew that already.)

“Do what needs to be done when it needs to be done the way it needs to be done whether you feel like doing it or not.”

Who Said It: My mom

What It Means: Your mood at any given moment does not negate your responsibilities and obligations. Whether you meet those responsibilities and obligations happily or grumpily is irrelevant so long as you meet them. Being tired, frustrated, sad, tired, whatever, does not constitute an excuse for bailing out on your life. So suck it up and take care of business.

Where You Can Use It: At home and at work. So what if you slept poorly last night? Your employer has to pay you either way, and it’s your obligation to do a good job because that’s what you were hired for. So what if you and the hubby had an argument about something? It’s still your obligation to make dinner, clean up, do laundry, take care of the kids, etc. Feelings are feelings, not Get Out of Jail Free cards. Don’t treat them as such. Be mad, be sad, be tired all you want — but do what you’re supposed to do.

Why It’s Hard to Do Sometimes: When we’re constantly bombarded with messages in the media, in popular culture, and from so-called experts telling us that we “deserve” some “me time” or “a break” or “more from life” or “free money” or any number of other things that just sound so nice,  it’s easy to get caught up in a me-centric view of life that overlooks the importance and value of our responsibilities to others. That includes our responsibilities to our families, our communities, and our employers. Newsflash: Regardless of the type of relationship you’re in, it’s not about “me” — it’s about the other person/people and “we.” I don’t care if you think it would be easier to throw that candy bar wrapper out the window while you’re driving; stick it in your pocket until you find a trash can. I don’t care if you had a bad day at work; put on your big girl panties and be a pleasant, decent person when you get home. Clean your house even if it doesn’t thrill you. Make a nutritious dinner for your family even if you’re not in a good mood. Get over the mistaken notion that everything in your life must be perfect at all times or you get to check out. It doesn’t work that way.

“When you’re wrong, admit it. When you’re right, shut up.”

Who Said It: Blog reader ClumberKim in response to the post Are You the Kind of Spouse You’d Like to Be Married To?

What It Means: The only thing more annoying than a person who’s right all the time is a person who’s right all the time and wants to make sure you know it. In a very close second is the person who refuses to ever admit when he’s wrong. The reason these people are so obnoxious is that it’s all about them and never about the solution or making peace. (Note: I have been one of these people and am currently breaking out of that pattern.) When you screw up, admit it and move on. When you’re right about something, don’t lord it over the person who was wrong.

Where You Can Use It: At home, at work, and in public. No one likes admitting that he’s wrong or that he made a mistake, but it’s even harder and more uncomfortable when the person he has to admit it to is smug and condescending. Whether your coworker made an oversight that you caught or your spouse made a poor judgment call about something, the last thing he or she needs is to feel like even more of a dolt when you rub his or her face in it. Just say, “Okay,” and move on. And if you’re the one who’s caught in a gaffe, fight the instinct to be defensive, accept the correction, and keep going forward. This also goes for inadvertently bumping into a stranger, causing or being victim of a fender bender, or giving or receiving incorrect change. See a resolution, not restitution or revenge.

A note on infidelity in marriage: I believe that adultery is the only scripturally acceptable reason for divorce (Matt 19:9, 5:32; see the post Biblical Divorce: What Does the Bible Really Say About Marriage and Divorce? for more on this topic). However, it is not a scriptural mandate for divorce. If your spouse strayed outside the marital relationship, but has stopped the affair and is genuinely contrite and committed never to do so again, it’s the innocent spouse’s perogative to continue the marriage or  seek a divorce. The reason this is relevant is that if the innocent spouse decides to forgive the adulterous one and remain married, he or she does not get to bring up the infidelity as a constant albatross around the mate’s neck. When you accept someone’s apology, you’re agreeing to put what happened in the past. Being right or being wrong  and previous mistakes are far less important than what both partners can do to strengthen the marriage in the present for the future. This applies to any mistakes your spouse may have made, but I think it’s worth noting that accepting the heartfelt apology of an unfaithful spouse is not license for the faithful spouse to use the error as a weapon for the duration of the relationship.

Why It’s Hard to Do Sometimes: I’m the first to admit that there’s a certain feeling of elation, gratification, and validation that comes with being right. Likewise, there’s a certain shame and embarrassment that accompanies being wrong. When we’re so caught up in those feelings within ourselves, it’s easy to forget about the feelings of the other person. But just as you don’t like it when other people pull the “Neener, neener, neener” card when you’re wrong or get petulant and angry when you’re right, they feel the same way about you. Don’t be a baby. Consider the feelings of others.

“Never stop being your husband’s girlfriend or wife’s boyfriend.”

Who Said It: Dr. Laura C. Schlessinger (a paraphrase)

What It Means: Back when you and your spouse were just dating, I’m willing to bet that you were sweet and charming and complimentary and well groomed/dressed and happy to compromise and put his/her feelings first pretty much all the time. That comes with the territory of trying to win someone over. But have you “let yourself go” since you snagged the officially, ring and all? That’s when people start to lose that lovin’ feeling — because they stop doing the things that made their partner fall in love with them in the first place. But what do you think would happen if you recreated those courting behaviors with your spouse? Think about it. Or better yet, try it. Dr. Laura also advises people to “Choose wisely. Treat kindly,” and that advice goes hand-in-hand with this tip.

Where You Can Use It: Your marriage. That one’s kind of obvious. But not just in the privacy of your own home, where you treat your spouse like the king or queen you married. Do it when you’re out in public, too, holding hands like twitterpated teenagers. Do it when you talk to your friends and family, building up your spouse by talking about his or her good qualities. Do it when you’re alone, too, as you think about all the wonderful things your spouse has done for you and what you can do for him or her.

Why It’s Hard to Do Sometimes: Although there are any number of reasons it’s difficult to be your spouse’s girl-/boyfriend throughout your marriage, I think it comes down to two main sources:

1. Cultural reinforcement of the idea of the wife as a ball and chain and the husband as the bumbling idiot or emotionally unavailable rake, both of whom control their wives and demand constant sexual satisfaction; and
2. Lack of good models to demonstrate the equal dignity and beauty of spouses who each fulfill their respective roles with love and respect, both in our own homes as we grow up and in society as a whole.

When it’s increasingly challenging to find families that haven’t been divided by divorce, often for reasons like “irreconcilable differences” (which I believe is a cop-out, incidentally), most people have no clue what a functional marriage looks like. And those who think they might have been so jaded by militant feminism (men are the enemy) and an entertainment industry (men are sex fiends and players) that paints men as womankind’s biggest oppressors that they wouldn’t know functional if it hit them over the head.

Newsflash: Flirting with your husband is a good thing, ladies. So is shaving your legs and wearing cute nighties to bed instead of letting yourself turn into the ogre under the bridge once you’ve snagged your man. These are not manipulations or burdens — they are fun and loving and girlfriend-y things to do. And a guy who already has a girlfriend (and one who shares great married sex with him any time he wants it at that) isn’t likely to seek one elsewhere. Just a thought.

The same goes for guys. Tell your wife she’s beautiful, take her on a date, hold her hand on the couch, and be her man. Surprise her with something little like a candybar or a flower or even just a heartfelt “I love you” and a kiss on the cheek. When we feel treasured and cherished by our husboyfriend, we’re not going anywhere, either, and we won’t be led astray by the compliments of the attractive guy in the next cubicle at work because we have all the man we need or want at home.

That’s some of the best advice I’ve ever received. What about you? What advice could you share? And how could these suggestions transform your life?

Contents Copyright © 2009 Kristen King, Inkthinker

(photo credit)

My fifth anniversary is coming up in September, and I’ve been asking myself this question for the last few months: Would I like to be married to me? I’m ashamed to say that, with the exception of approximately the last six or eight weeks, the answer has been no.

I don’t mean to suggest that I’m downright evil, negligent, intentionally cruel, or unfaithful. Those things aren’t me. But unfortunately what I am or, what I hope I can say with a fair level of honesty, what I have been is extremely selfish and immature. Throughout our marriage, I have put myself first instead of my husband in my decision making and attitudes. I’m still married, so largely this has worked out okay, but it is decidedly not the way to be a good wife to your husband, and it certainly doesn’t endear you to him.

One way to look at it is that I lucked out in marrying a guy who loves me and is forgiving of my stupidity. And, my friends, I have indeed been stupid. Unfortunately, the other way to look at it is that my husband wasn’t quite so lucky. Here’s one example: I fight dirty. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have any clue where I picked up that habit, but I’m not going to name names. I will, however, tell you what I’ve been doing. Instead of pursuing making peace when there’s a disagreement, I’ve been pursuing being right. And one of the easiest ways to be right is to make the other person wrong.

This is all fine and good when the other person is just a complete troll, as was the case with one commenter back when I wrote for b5media. In response to my post Little Girls Who Dress Like Skanks Grow Up to Be Woman Who Dress Like Skanks, a reader who used the handle “Private_Freedom” remarked in part, “I think you are either an unattractive woman, or you just want to play mini dictator on how people should dress and/or behave. …You need psychiatric help. I dunno, maybe your mother never breast fed you, in which case your brain would be around 10-20% smaller than normal…” (see the whole comment). In that case, I had no qualms about putting that guy in his place. Nor did I have an issue with smacking down on an Inkthinker reader who personally attacked me when I said I wasn’t interested in publishing his work. But there’s a time and a place for that kind of response, and it’s not when you’re dealing with the person you’re supposed to love most in the world.

It’s driven me crazy the whole time we’ve been together that when we had some kind of difference of opinion, my husband seldom “fought back.” I recently realized that’s because it’s a complete waste of time because I’m a real jerk. When I don’t think I can win, I have a tendency to make other people feel stupid enough to give up on their viewpoint and acquiesce to mine. Believe me, this hasn’t been intentional. But now that I’ve recognized it, I cringe when I think back at some of the incredibly stupid fights we’ve had.

Something else that’s occurred to me is that most of the time, when he sees things one way and I see them another, the fact that he doesn’t immediately come over to my way of thinking after I voice my viewpoint does not constitute a “communication problem” or him “not listening to me”; it simply means that he doesn’t agree. It’s not something to beat to death, to get frustrated about. It’s something to compromise over or let go. And I’ve never really been one for letting things go, frankly, which is something I’m working on, and will probably continue to work on for a very long time. Possibly forever.

I think the basic takeaway in this self-revelation has been that if I don’t turn something into an argument, it doesn’t become one. And very few things in life are worth arguing about. Including the stuff that I used to (and am trying so hard to stop) nitpicking about constantly, like the way the towels are folded or the way the dishwasher is loaded. Seriously, if it gets done, who cares? Well, I did, but what a waste of energy to spend time stressing over something so meaningless, and to make my husband miserable over it.

Husbands are not children to be mommied or punished, nor are they daddies or white knights to swoop in and cater to their little princess’ whim. They are the people we wives have chosen to spend the rest of our lives with, whose needs we have committed to placing ahead of our own, and for whom we have promised to sacrifice and compromise and work hard. But I don’t see those things happening around me. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so screwed up. When half or more of marriages end in divorce today, promiscuity is the new black, and it’s all about me, me, me, I think it’s easy to lose sight of what marriage is for in the first place. It’s a lifelong committment to complete your partner — not to sit around and wait for him to complete you.

Love is not a feeling you have, but the conscious choices you make and actions you take every day regardless of how you feel. (I’ve paraphrased this from something I heard recently that really resonated with me.) It’s also about doing the right thing whether it feels good or not or regardless of whether you want to. Love is sacrifice for the good of another. And sacrificing for someone you love is an honor and a privilege, not a burden, and you should behave in such a way that gives the role — and your spouse — dignity.

Nobody’s perfect, but I think this realization may have made me somewhat more lovable. I know for sure it’s made my husband happier for me to consciously be his wife and to consciously love him in this way. But I see so many people like me, people who are pushy and selfish and domineering and who either don’t see it or don’t care, and I feel bad for their spouses. I feel bad for my husband for having a spouse like that for so long, one whom you might now reasonably call only a “recovering shrew.”I look forward to the day that part of me is a distant memory.

Where is it coming from, this resentment toward marriage and spouses? And would you want to be married to you?

Contents Copyright © 2009 Kristen King, Inkthinker

(photo credit)

(www.sass-pants.com) — Less than 3 months after the porn industry requested a $5B bailout, things are looking bad for them, in large part because of the proliferation of free porn sources online. “Tube sites” including our good friend YouTube are providing enough alternative adult entertainment that folks aren’t interested in paying for pay-per-view or subscription services.

Gee, ya think?

Vivid Entertainment founder Steven Hirsch, a longtime porn heavyweight who sued one of the free porn sites for illegally using his company’s material, say the Los Angeles company’s DVD sales have dropped 30 percent in the past year, and the free porn sites are adding economic insult to injury.

“Between the DVD sales, the piracy, the free porn online and the economy,” Hirsch said, “I’ve never seen it this bad in 25 years in the business.”

Compounding the challenge is that the porn industry as a whole has done little navel-gazing – at least of the financial or strategic-planning kind – over the years. While the X-rated industry has always been among the first to adopt new technologies, it has not always embraced long-term forecasting. It hasn’t had to, analysts say, because the forecasts were always so rosy.

(source)

Although I can understand why the porn industry has remained confident (people seem to find money for vices even when they can’t find it for essentials, in my experience), I can’t believe they’re surprised about the recent decline, given the nation’s economic situation. Then again, I guess everyone’s been surprised recently at how bad things have gotten.

What amuses me, though, is the proposed solution to this problem. Niche porn network Kink.com is planning to introduce live shows that allow viewers to interact with the director and actors and actresses. According to SFGate.com, “The idea, said Kink Chief Operating Officer Daniel Riedel – a Yahoo.com veteran – is to offer users an experience that the free tube sites can’t.”

Sorry, Kink, but I’m not feeling it.

How about this suggestion for porn viewers who are now strapped for cash: Instead of shelling out your hard-won dollars on a so-called interactive, live experience, take the time you’d be spending watching porn and use it to develop a happy, healthy, real-life relationship that will ultimately lead to fulfilling, satisfying, FREE sex for the rest of your life. It’s called marriage. Try it.

Contents Copyright © 2009 Kristen King

(image: Garry Knight via Creative Commons license)

(www.sass-pants.com) — On Wednesday night, Jesse and I finally did something we’ve been wanting to do for pretty much the whole time we’ve been together: We wrote our wills. It was boring and tedious, but it’s a relief to have it done. And oddly enough, it was a really interesting bonding experience.

Virginia is a state where, if you don’t have a will, everything goes to the Commonwealth, not your spouse. The fact that we’ve known this and been married for four and a half years and still didn’t have wills was pretty stressful. Fortunately, the will part was easy and quick because we don’t have kids or any special possessions that need consideration, so we just left everything to each other and our siblings as backup. Crisis averted.

The final arrangements and advance medical directives were where it got interesting. We’d talked before about cremation, but we didn’t get into the details of ceremonies, memorials, pre-cremation embalming, ash scattering, etc. Who knew you could rent a casket for a pre-cremation viewing? Or that you could require someone to witness your cremation? Not me. Oh, and ick, by the way.

It was neat to see what he has in mind for his funeral arrangements. I knew approximately what he wanted, but I didn’t realize the level of detail he’d had in mind. And for me, I didn’t realize that I had very specific ideas of what I wanted in my obituary until the program we were using, Quicken WillMaker, asked me. Turns out, I do. I also didn’t realize that he positively doesn’t want to die in a hospital, whereas I don’t really care that much as long as my dogs get to see me before I die.

When it comes to a “living will” or advance medical directive, I have very specific requirements regarding certain life-prolonging measures. I do not accept blood transfusions or any blood products, including reinfusion of my own blood, so I wanted to be very, very explicit about what kinds of treatment are and are not okay so nobody has to make any independent decisions and no one feels guilty about possibly making the wrong choice. It took for-ev-er, but we both heaved a sigh of relief when it was done.

Afterward, we sat on the couch and ate frozen pizza (cooked, of course), and held hands. It’s not particularly fun to think about dying, but now that we’ve dealt with it together, it doesn’t seem as terrible.

Contents Copyright © 2009 Kristen King

(image: Jennifer Marr)

(www.sass-pants.com) — A tweet from Divapalooza led me to an article about the concept of biblical grounds for divorce. Author Shane Vader Hart does a beautiful job of explicating some key scriptures surrounding this issue, but I think there’s more to the issue.

As Hart points out, God hates divorce. When a man and woman marry, they are to become one flesh. Under Mosaic law, divorce was permitted as a concession, not as a commandment. But Jesus said that “anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness ["fornication," KJV], and marries another woman commits adultery” (Matthew 19:8-9), and Christ’s teachings cancelled out the Mosaic Law (see also Ephesians 2).

Does Jesus explicitly say that divorce is prohibited? In the preceding verses is this exchange:

Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

If divorce isn’t man separating what God has joined together, I don’t know what is — so I think we can safely conclude that Jesus was not pro-divorce. But did he rule it out completely? He said “anyone who divorces his wife except for marital unfaithfulness [fornication].” In the event of one partner’s unfaithfulness, the innocent partner has the option to divorce the offending spouse without fear of committing adultery if he or she remarries. (Widows are free to remarry without fear of committing adultery because death breaks the marriage bond.)

Husband is to impart honor to his wife, love her as he loves his own body, and provide for his family both materially and spiritually. But not every husband does that, which is the point Hart is commenting on in . What happens when a husband is abusive toward his wife? He may beating the ever-loving crap out of her, but not cheating on her. What can the wife do? Here’s one take on it that I heartily support:

Should the battered wife leave her husband? The Bible does not treat marital separation lightly. At the same time, it does not oblige a battered wife to stay with a man who jeopardizes her health and perhaps her very life. The Christian apostle Paul wrote: “If she should actually depart, let her remain unmarried or else make up again with her husband.” (1 Corinthians 7:10-16) Since the Bible does not forbid separation in extreme circumstances, what a woman does in this matter is a personal decision. (Galatians 6:5) No one should coax a wife to leave her husband, but neither should anyone pressure a battered woman to stay with an abusive man when her health, life, and spirituality are threatened.*

In other words, while a wife should not separate from her husband, if she must, she should stay single (and uninvolved, chickie, because you’re still a married woman and the last thing you want to do is be an adulteress when you’ve worked so hard to follow the rules so far) unless she reconciles with him. Divorce and separation are NOT the same thing. Divorce implies that you want to be free to marry someone else. Separation can mean many things, but in this case, it would mean that staying with your spouse endangers you and/or your children.

However, I would add that eventually the abusive husband, when he’s not getting any from his wife, will likely look elsewhere, which would give her scriptural grounds for divorce and the ability to remarry in good standing with God.

Is divorce in the case of adultery a scriptural requirement? Absolutely not. But it is permitted, and if a couple divorces because of it, the spouse who didn’t cheat would be free to remarry with a clean conscience. And while the Bible does not permit divorce for any other reason the scriptures certainly do not condone violence, especially toward someone who is supposed to be flesh of one’s own flesh:

Spouse abuse is a brazen violation of Bible principles. At Ephesians 4:29, 31, we read: “Let a rotten saying not proceed out of your mouth . . . Let all malicious bitterness and anger and wrath and screaming and abusive speech be taken away from you along with all badness.”

No husband who claims to be a follower of Christ can really say that he loves his wife if he abuses her. If he were to mistreat his wife, of what value would all his other good works be? …Can violent men change their behavior? Some have. Usually, however, a batterer will not change unless he (1) admits that his conduct is improper, (2) wants to change his course, and (3) seeks help. …Of course, for a batterer to change his behavior involves more than not hitting. It also entails learning a whole new attitude toward his wife. …There is no room for a despot, tyrant, or bully in the Christian family.—Ephesians 5:25, 28, 29.*

Hart concludes his post by asserting that there are no biblical grounds for divorce, but I disagree. When one has grounds for a lawsuit, that doesn’t mean one is required to sue someone; it simply means that he would be justified in doing so. The same is true for the Bible’s view on divorce: while the scriptures do not require it, they make it clear that fornication is grounds for divorce.

What do you think?

*The article this excerpt comes from is the third in a series. Start here and use the arrows at the bottom or the links on the left to read the whole thing.

Contents Copyright © 2009 Kristen King

(image)

Sex Deemed a “Fundamental of the Economy”?

(http://sass-pants.com) — Hustler bigwig Larry Flynt and Joe Francis, the brilliant (ahem) mind behind the Girls Gone Wild franchise are demanding $5B in government money to bail out the struggling adult entertainment industry. According to Flynt, XXX video sales have dropped 25%, and sex toys are gathering dust on the shelves.

Evidently the economy isn’t the only thing that can’t seem to get up in the US today.

Okay, sorry, that was bad. But seriously, did I miss something here? Sex is free. Well, it is if you’re doing it right. If you have to pay for it, you shouldn’t doing it in the first place. And last time I checked, XXX entertainment and naughty accessories weren’t required for people to enjoy sexual healing despite economic hardship. (Hard, get it? Yeah, this post will be full of them.) And, if you can’t have or enjoy sex without added stimulus from adult videos, etc, then you have far bigger problems than not being able to afford your porn habit. You know, until another stimulus check comes along.

Believe me, I am all about sex. (Though I don’t particularly recommend it while recovering from a back injury. Just saying.) And not just because it’s fun. Sex is good for you. Having healthy, regular sex can add intimacy to a committed relationship, relieve stress, improve muscle tone, boost your immune system, and even reduces the risk of some cancers. And those are just a few of the many, many benefits sex brings.

But back to the porn industry. In my seldom-humble opinion, XXX videos and kinky add-ons get in the way of sex, not supplement it. Don’t even get me started on how absurd it is to make people think they have to spend a lot of money on a lot of ridiculous crap to have a happy and healthy sex life. Your only required investments are an appropriate form of birth control and some lube if you feel so inclined. Everything else is just surplus. Like buying bottled water when you have all the free water you want right out of your faucet. Sure, it’s all fancy and trendy, but seriously, let’s get back to basics.

Would it be such a bad thing if the porn industry folded? Not that it’s in any danger of doing so, if you ask me. What do you think? Is so-called adult entertainment a help or a hindrance to good sex?

Contents Copyright © 2009 Kristen King

(image: SXC.hu)

(www.sass-pants.com) — My jaw just about hit the floor when I heard this news story today. A doctor from Long Island is demanding his estranged wife return the kidney he donated to save her life in 2001. Oh, yes, that’s right. He wants his kidney back as part of the divorce settlement. Why not just write, “Die, bitch!” across her chest in blood or something? Are we seriously at the point where we not only have a 60% divorce rate in the US, but people who are divorcing are actually insisting that their mate return life-saving donated organs?  

The return of Richard Batista’s kidney was not originally part of his demands when he countersued after his wife of now 18 years filed for divorce in 2005. In fact, good old Richie-poo only demanded the kidney this week, on Wednesday, January 7. Of course, if Dawnell wants to keep the kidney, she could always pay her soon-to-be ex-husband the $1.5 million he’s demanding instead to account for the organ’s “value.”

Last time I checked, an organ wasn’t like an engagement ring, something you can give back if things didn’t work out. And I doubt that when Dawnell uttered the words, “’til death do us part,” she didn’t mean, “until you demand your kidney back, you scumbag.”

The couple has 3 daughters ranging in age from 8 to 14. I may be going out on a limb here, but I don’t think their dad’s inexcusably selfish behavior bodes well for their future relationships with men. Way to parent.

Admittedly, Dawnell has been accused of cheating on her husband, so I can certainly understand that he’d be angry. But being angry and being absurd — don’t forget, dude’s a surgeon — are two different things, and killing someone is far worse than being a crappy wife. And who knows if she really was. All I know is that anyone who would demand the return of his kidney as part of a divorce agreement is someone I, for one, definitely would not want to be married to. (And did he forget that whole Hippocratic Oath thing?)

What do you think? Totally acceptable, or morally reprehensible?

Contents Copyright © 2009 Kristen King

(image: SXC.hu)

(www.sass-pants.com) — I hate relish in tuna fish, but my husband loves it, and I love him. Something I’m learning about marriage (and it’s about time, since we just had our fourth anniversary in September) and relationships in general is that it’s not always about you — and any time you can make it about the other person, you should do it.

And I don’t mean that you should turn it around so it’s your partner’s fault if they call you out on something stupid you did and make the disagreement about them instead of you (which I am often guilty of and trying to work on). I’m talking about making small sacrifices because it makes the person you love happier. I’m talking about eating the stupid tuna anyway because the person you love made it for you and relish makes him happy even though it’s disgusting, and eating it with a smile and a thank-you at that.

I’m talking about biting your tongue when your mate says something careless instead of snapping back and potentially starting a fight. I’m talking about cleaning the kitchen yourself instead of nagging him or her to do it, because you know you wish your partner would do it for you. I’m talking about apologizing when you know you did something that inconvenienced, offended, or hurt your partner, even if he or she didn’t mention it, because you KNOW what you did even if it was unintentional.

Whatever you WISH your relationship was like — with your spouse, best friend, coworker, mom, whatever — you have the power to make it that way.

And don’t give me that crap about life being too short to eat relish tuna if you don’t like it. Life is too short to let little stuff that doesn’t matter get in the way of making your partner the happiest he or she can be and reaping the benefits in return. Suck it up. Swallow your pride. Fight the inclination to be defensive. Be the one who makes the peace. Put the other person first.

And tell me, what’s your “relish”?

Contents Copyright © 2008 Kristen King