Let me describe the setup for you:

The building is fairly long and narrow, and perpendicular to the road. There is parking on all sides. If you’re facing the front, the drive-thru line starts on the right and exits on the left. The right side is one way toward the back of the building and the left side is one way toward the front of the building. When you exit the drive-thru, you can go straight out onto the road or you can drive through the one-way lane in front of the building, cross over the parking-lot entrance, and exit through the adjacent business’ parking lot. This is what I was trying to do on Tuesday.

I looked both ways, double-checked to make sure no one was pulling in from the road, and proceeded across the McDonald’s lot to exit next door since the drive-thru line was completely blocking the rear exit. And then, CRUNCH! The woman who was last in line for the drive-thru apparently got impatient and decided she wanted out. So, she backed up. Right into my car.

The woman was very apologetic and called her insurance company, StateFarm, and told them it was completely her fault, which I appreciated since it WAS. Like, seriously, who doesn’t look behind them before backing up? This chick, apparently! (She also hugged me and asked me not to let my husband hunt her down and killer her for what she did, which was decidedly strange.) But my car is still all dented and scratched up, and my back HURTS and it’s her fault for being a moron.

Imagine being T-boned. Now imagine that the car T-boning you is backing up at a low speed. That’s what happened. So while I didn’t feel injured at the accident site, about 2 hours later the pain started and climbed down to my tailbone and up to the base of my skull over the next 6 hours. And it’s still here, when I turn my head, sit still, move around, sigh, cough, yawn, chew, swallow, sneeze, go to the bathroom, push a dog off of me, reach for a drink, everything.

But back to the accident day. After spending a considerable amount of time talking with Scott from StateFarm and then Terry from StateFarm, they told me they’d be covering the accident and, assuming there is a verifiably accident-related injury, medical costs. Nice, since my deductible with GEICO is $500 and I don’t have that kind of cash just lying around. Also a relief to know on the very day the accident happened that it was going to be taken care of.

That decision came while I was driving to my doctor’s office. Happy happy! Until I got to the doctor’s office and discovered that he was closed. All week. And when I called to see if there was some kind of referral on their answering machine, I got a fax machine. Well, crap! Not so happy happy after all.

So then I drove to the urgent care center that had treated me for some kind of insane stomach bug like 3 years ago. A 2-hour wait. And I didn’t bring a book. And it was like 43 bazillion degrees in there. And sick people were coughing on me. And children were screaming. Cranky cranky.

After 3 hours (2 hours in the waiting room, 45 minutes in the exam room including about 30 seconds with the actual doctor, another 15 minutes in the waiting room awaiting prescriptions), I went to the pharmacy for painkillers and a c-collar, and then the hospital for x-rays. Another 2 hours later, I made it home.

I’m still waiting on x-ray results (because the holidays are a GREAT time to get injured, let me tell you!) and still in pain and don’t know if something is cracked or if it’s just muscular or what. Terrified to move in case something IS fractured because I don’t know what could happen if there’s a break that isn’t stabilized or otherwise treated.

The meds are helping some, but not as much as I would like. I can sit down for only about 30 minutes at a time before needing to walk around or lie down, which isn’t great when you spend your work day in front of a computer. And the lack of response from the doctor’s office isn’t doing anything to relieve my stress level, that is for sure. Oh, and did I mention that my dogs ate 10 lbs of flour last night? That was really fun to clean up with a sore back.

Contents Copyright © 2009 Kristen King

Dear Journal,

I just got back from the Lake Tranquility 4th of July party. The fireworks were awesome!

I stayed afterward, until Daddy had finished cleaning up the display. C. and I hung out together, and she told me that T.A. (M.’s little bro) wants her to go out with him…and to prove it, he French kissed her! She’s going out with R. (don’t even ask), so she doesn’t know what to say.

Speaking of M., I saw him tonight, too. He was majorly drunk. I’m not sure how much of what he’d had, but it must have been a lot. Plus, he was smoking, and he even offered C. and me a cigarette!

I’m so worried about him. I know that we’re not close, but we’re still friendly. I mean, he has the potential to be anything or anyone, but he’s throwing it away for a can of beer and a temporary high.

I don’t know what to do! Should I call him to make sure he’s alright, or should I just forget about it?

Dazed and concerned,

Kristen

P.S. I’m single, lonely, and 14 (still never been kissed)!

Okay then! This one’s not too bad because at least I remember who all of these people are, unlike many, many entries I’ve read over the last few days. But “throwing it all away for a can of beer and a temporary high”??? I can’t say I disagree with the logic, but seriously, what 14-year-old talks like that? Apparently I did. Maybe it was all the dazedness and concern. Or maybe the loneliness or lack of kissing. Who knows…

Contents Copyright © 1996-2008 Kristen King

I also remember this one particular McDonald’s commercial where the old grandpa feels like he’s lost his purpose in life until he gets a job at McDonalds, and then when his little granddaughter (or maybe just a little girl who he took a shine to), who’s probably about 5, comes to McDonald’s, he serves her and she giggles like crazy. (Aside: This probably contributed to my childhood ambitions to either be an attorney or work at McDonald’s. I think attorney was my fall-back.)

And then Patti LaBelle busting a move to a poppy, gospely, feel-good, rock-out ad about food, folks, and fun…

Fun, right? And now, we have this:

What IS this exactly? How many takes did they have to do before they got through without some or all parties breaking out into hysterical laughter? And did they seriously pay someone to write this song? Yikes. (Don’t get me started on the nuggnuts wedding cake commercial.)

I think I just don’t GET advertising anymore. I never manage to feel like I’m the target demographic, or even figure out what they’re advertising half the time. Is this a symptom of my becoming a cantankerous old fart at age 26? Or are other people seeing this, too?

Contents Copyright © 2008 Kristen King

Bizarre, but why funny? Certainly not “priceless”… It’s worth exactly 2.40. What is the name of the soliciting organization and what does Pat Robertson have to say, if I may be so bold?

you know – something that strikes me here:

when you “feed the children”, which “children” are you feeding? there is something implicit that most Americans understand, or something explicit which they have seen on television commercials for the Feed the Children project and other similar projects: the children are impoverished, often of color, living in foreign nations. but the project isn’t called “Feed the Impoverished Children of Color in Foreign Nations”.

why go into all of this? because the solicitation could have said, “Feed the Elderly” – in which case we would have understood without question that the elderly named were impoverished elderly. this wouldn’t have been funny at all. it might have been a solicitation from Meals on Wheels or any other service that contributes to the welfare of impoverished elderly.

if in any way adding the word “Jewish” is the thing that makes this advertisement funny, i ask you to ask yourself exactly why that is.

I realized I had a lot more to say than just quick yesses and nos, so I figured a second post on the topic would be appropriate.

The organization is the Chicago-headquartered International Fellowship of Christians and Jews. I’d never heard of them before this landed in our mailbox. According to the organization, IFCJ is “one of the top 501(c3) Jewish charities which unites Jews and Christians, fights poverty & helps Jewish emigrations from Russian and other countries, resettle in Israel.” But unless you already know that, how would you know that? Not from anything on the outside of this envelope, I assure you.

On the back of the envelope, Pat Robertson is quoted as saying, “I commend Rabbi Eckstein for encouraging Christians to involve themselves in supporting Israel and the Jewish people.” This leads me to believe that this mailing is targeted to a very specific Christian population within the IFCJ’s membership or purchased/rented mailing lists, a demographic that would find Pat Robertson an authority on where they should “involve themselves.”

I find it interesting, however, that Robertson did not say, “I charge every Christian to make it a personal priority to support Israel and the Jewish people by doing X, Y, and Z specific things.” This strikes me as damning with faint praise, to be frank–a strange and somewhat amusing element of this already bizarre solicitation.

And who on Earth is Rabbi Eckstein anyway?  Reading through the IFCJ website, I discovered that he’s the founder and president of the organization. Mentioning him on the outside of the envelope makes sense once you know that, but assuming that the former holder of my husband’s mailbox is on a purchased or rented mailing list (the outside of the envelope does not say, “Thanks for your past support!” or “We need your help again!” and I haven’t opened it, as we will be returning it to the post office for forwarding or return this week since it’s not our mail), how on earth would the recipient know that? Another reason the Robertson quote is strange. It doesn’t actually tell me anything useful; it just gets his name on the outside of the envelope.

Back to the front of the envelope, and still working with my assumptions that this mailing was intended for a very specific American, Christian demographic, I imagine the planning meeting for this piece went something like this:

Guy A: Our donations from Christians in the US have been low lately. We need to do a mailing.

Guy B: Hmm, okay, I’ll order the mailing lists from Focus on the Family and the Christian Broadcasting Network. Other media don’t guarantee that the subscribers identify themselves as Christians, and we already know those people like to donate their money to religious organizations. And maybe we can get some kind of testimonial from Pat Robertson or James Dobson. Or who’s that other TV church guy? Joel Osteen? Those people love guys like them.

Guy A: Great idea. Now, how can we approach this? Hmm… Well, let’s see. We should use some pictures. People like pictures.

Guy B: Pictures of what?

Guy A: You know, Jewish people.

Guy B: Yeah, but that could be anyone.

Guy A: Oh, good point. Well, let’s see if we can get some really old people who look like the cast of the downtown senior center’s production of Fiddler on the Roof and put scarves on the women so everyone knows what they’re supposed to be.

Guy B: Oh, perfect. Because that’s how mainstream America thinks of Jews anyway, and it will make the Christians feel guilty if we can get the people to look really hungry and pathetic somehow. Maybe we can get them all to cry. That will be great for donations.

I mean, seriously. Don’t tell me this same envelope went to the Jewish half of the mailing list. Maybe the intentions were phenomenal. Maybe these are what every single one of the folks receiving financial and other support from this organizations look like. But I suspect that they chose these specific images for the reasons I outlined above in my imagined conversation: playing on the preconceived notions of an ignorant audience by reinforcing their stereotypes and playing on their religious guilt. I find that both insulting and offensive.

But I also find it ridiculous and stupid, which is why it’s so funny. Yeah, stereotypes exist for a reason, and I’m sure there are some elderly Jews who look just like the folks on this envelope. But not all of them do! And not all of the ones who do are hungry and impoverished, for that matter. Reinforcing stereotypes isn’t something I see as a major priority for an organization dedicated to bring Jews and Christians together. At least, it shouldn’t be. They should be fighting AGAINST notions that make their support recipients an “other.”

Oh, and thank goodness someone came up with a way to make it affordable to feed elderly Jewish people. FINALLY. Because I was just saying to my husband the other day, “Gee, honey, aren’t these prices getting astronomical? I wish someone would find a way to feed an elderly Jewish person for under $3.” Enter this mailing, which promises to feed elderly Jewish people for the low, low, bargain price of $2.40. Again, this is just bizarre. Since when is $2.40 such a critical price point that it warrants top billing?

Hunger and poverty aren’t funny. But this mailing, in my opinion, makes a mockery of a serious issue. It was a perfect storm of marketing absurdity. Hence, why I had to laugh. And why, even if it had been addressed to me, I would have thrown it out without opening it.

Contents Copyright © 2008 Kristen King

On the back of the envelope is a testimonial from Pat Robertson, so you know it’s gotta be good. [[snort]]

But seriously, nothing can beat the front: “You can help feed an elderly Jewish person for just $2.40.” Um, okay? I’ve heard of Feed the Children (I sponsored a kid in Guatemala during high school) and I was roundly amused by Heifer International when I somehow made their mailing list for reasons still unclear to me — both respectable organizations, don’t get me wrong — but this is a new one.

Priceless.

Contents Copyright © 2008 Kristen King

Why can’t you celebrate thanksgiving if when the Bible was written it hadn’t happened yet and we’re giving thanks to God?

It’s a logical question since I stopped celebrating holidays mainly for religious reasons. God = religion, right? Except, there’s more to it than that.

Widely regarded as an all-American holiday, Thanksgiving Day is commonly believed to commemorate the Pilgrims’ survival of a hard winter and successful harvest early after their arrival in America. But is there more to this holiday tradition? I say yes.

Harvest festivals date back thousands of years, and were traditionally a time to give expressions of gratitude and sacrifices to various gods in appreciation of a bountiful growing season. Fall Equinox, which generally falls around September 21 or 22 in America, is a popular time for harvest festivals and has been associated with celebrations in cultures around the world including druids, Mayans, Native Americans and others, and included ceremonial activities such as fertility rituals and burnt offerings.

Obviously today the Thanksgiving celebration doesn’t have a direct correlation with a single pagan ritual, but it evokes many of these traditions. For instance, the Thanksgiving cornucopia started as a hollowed goat’s horn filled with fruits, vegetables, and grains. This practice is rooted in Greek mythology, a legend in which goat Amalthea broke off one of her horns and offered it to king of the gods, Zeus, as a sign of reverence.

The Roman celebration Cerelia, honoring the goddess Ceres, goddess of corn, occurred annually on October 4 and included a thanksgiving feast. Romans also had a annual day of thanksgiving each December. The autumn celebration of Thesmosphoria honored the Greek goddess Demeter, goddess of grains, and also included a feast. Native American tradition recognized a variety of fall harvest festivals associated with the moon cycle and including feasting days as well.

Although modern-day Thanksgiving celebrations may not directly deal with pagan traditions, pagan origins are clear in Thanksgiving practices, which may be cause for concern for folks, like me, who feel that believers cannot drink from the cup of demons and the cup of God at the same time (see 1 Corinthians 10:20-22) and that true and false worship can have no common ground (see 2 Corinthians 6:15, 16).

For those who are nonreligious, or who view Thanksgiving as only a family tradition rather than a real holiday, there is still cause for concern, in my opinion, in the excess that Thanksgiving has come to encourage. In most Thanksgiving celebrations, the focus is on food — more of it than any household needs — football, and the upcoming shopping season rather than on gratitude. In my eyes, that’s hypocrisy, an excuse for a party, not a sincere display of unselfish gratitude to a higher power.

Do I like eating turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and sweet potatoes? You betcha. They’re delicious. Do I like time off from work? Heck yeah. Do I (and my bank account) enjoy big sales? Um, duh, yes. And do I try to show my gratitude to God every day? Yes, I do. But having warm and fuzzy feelings about poultry dishes, sleeping in, liking big discounts, and thinking it’s important to show gratitude to my Creator still don’t mean I’m going to be participating in the Thanksgiving holiday, but thanks for asking. Repeatedly. Every year. And not just my mom, for the record.

There are lots of things now that weren’t around when the Bible was written (Internet porn, anyone?) but the principles it contains and the instructions it offers are still relevant, and I would argue that they’re vital. The Bible is clear on how we should worship: in spirit and truth (see John 4:24). And I don’t think Thanksgiving is truly about being thankful to God at all, which is why I don’t celebrate it.

Still have questions? Leave a comment. I promise to be nice. Unless you’re a jerk, in which case I reserve the right to mock you politely.

Contents Copyright © 2008 Kristen King