(www.meowbarkblog.com) — It’s been a rough couple of weeks with the animals lately simply because we’re both very tired and busy right now. As the one who works exclusively from home, I’ve had the pleasure of bearing the brunt of the animal frustration these days.  

To get through it without selling anyone to the circus, I’ve managed to find humor in situations that would other wise probably make me cry in my current cranky condition.

You Know the Dogs Have Taken Over When…

… you find yourself vacuuming the comforter because you’re so sick of schlepping to the laundromat since it won’t fit in your own washer — and you wonder why you didn’t think of this sooner.

… instead of getting annoyed that the dogs knocked over the trash can when you went out to get the mail, you’re just relieved they didn’t eat the remote control you forgot to put on top of the piano for safekeeping.

… it begins to seem normal to squeeze yourself into 4 square inches of couch space because you can’t get a sleeping mastiff to move to the floor.

… the moment you see a dog on TV, you immediately lunge for the mute button while saying loudly “It’s TV, it’s TV” to reassure your animals that their inevitable frantic barking at the television dog’s first sound is completely unnecessary.

… you’ve stopped fighting against letting them in through the back door even though there’s a perfectly good dog door if they would just walk the extra 50 feet to get to it.

How can you tell the dogs have taken over at your house?

Contents Copyright © 2009 Kristen King

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(www.meowbarkblog.com) — I’m either a glutton for punishment or just slow on the uptake, because I thought I could run out to the post office for a few minutes the other day without worrying about the dogs making some kind of mess. We don’t let them loose in the house when we leave anymore because they’re so darn creative and brilliant at getting to things the shouldn’t have, and I figured there was nothing that would appeal to them in the mudroom or garage in the 15 minutes I was gone.

I was wrong.

I managed to pick up most of the dog food before I thought to take a picture, and about half of the paper towels were somewhat salvageable, however slobbery. None of them can go on a paper towel holder, though because the dogs ripped through so many layers that the individual sheets are no longer connected in most cases.

Sigh. When will I ever learn?

Contents Copyright © 2009 Kristen King

(www.meowbarkblog.com)

Birds-Animals-Nature photo

Contents Copyright © 2009 Kristen King

(www.meowbarkblog.com) — We came home from visiting family last night to find a white explosion all over the kitchen and living room. We should have known better than to leave the flour on the counter in preparation for tonight’s fried chicken dinner. But honestly, what is appealing about 10 lbs of flour? The world may never know. And my rug will never be the same.

My bedspread will never be the same, either, because about an hour after we got home, Pickles projectile-vomited a disgusting green half-liquid, half-paste mixture all over it. Oh, and have you ever used a regular vacuum to suck up 10 lbs of flour? I don’t recommend it. And neither does the manufacturer, I’m sure.

These dogs are VERY lucky we love them so much. Otherwise, we would be selling them to the circus, I swear. Oh, and did I mention how fun it is to clean flour from every surface in your home two days after getting in a car accident and having limited to no mobility due to back injury? It’s a blast.

Previous episodes:

• My Glasses Case
• Prescription Drugs
• A Framed Photo of the Dogs
• Electronics
• A Wallet

Contents Copyright © 2009 Kristen King

(www.meowbarkblog.com) — If there’s one thing Ty loves, it’s stuffed animals. And he’s going to get them, no matter what it takes! See what I mean?

We call him Mr. Barky Buns Big Head. I’m sure you can figure out why.

Contents Copyright © 2008 Kristen King

(www.meowbarkblog.com) — Oh boy, oh boy, the dogs learned a new trick! It’s called “jump up on the counter and eat stuff they have no business eating and then shred the evidence all over the house so no one can prove nuttin’.” It’s totally precious. Except for NOT.

About two weeks ago, I came home from the post office and everything seemed normal. Until I went to make lunch and couldn’t find the baguette I had thought was on the kitchen counter. I called my husband at work.

“Did you take the baguette to work with you?”

“Uh, no, why?” he asked, like that wasn’t a perfectly reasonable question.

“I can’t fi– oh my God, is that part of a PANERA BAG????”

“What are you talking about?”

“Murphy just rolled over and there is part of a Panera bag under him on the dog bed.” I later found small pieces of it in about six other locations. But not nearly enough to make a whole bag. Hmm.

“Maybe you should talk to him about the baguette.”

“Yeah, thanks.”

In the week or so that followed, the dogs consumed:

• Half a pan of brownies
• A box of Krispy Kreme donuts
• A bag of single-serve coffee filters
• A raw, unwashed sweet potato
• Part of a grilled cheese sandwich
• Several paper plates and napkins
• Eight (8!!!!!) empty cardboard boxes
• A sheaf of brochures from my husband’s old company

And those are just the items we found evidence of. I shudder to think what may have gone missing without our noticing yet.

At first we thought it was Ty (he HAS been mighty pushy when I open the fridge lately), but based on last night and this morning, we’re pretty sure it’s Murphy. You see, Murphy has food allergies. Wheat, corn, beef, things normal dogs can eat. We switched him to food that doesn’t contain those things and limited his treat intake, and his dandruff and horrible stomach rash went away.

So when his rash came back in one small spot on his inner thigh (is that what you call it on a dog?) a few days ago and then spread with a vengeance I’ve never seen to the rest of his stomach last night, I took him to the vet right away. Turns out he has a staph infection (!!!) because he licked the living daylights out of it over the last few days, unbeknownst to me. The diagnosis? “Must be the stolen food,” the vet said solemnly. She did not add, “You neglectful dog-mother, you,” though I suspect from her expression that she was thinking it.

Now, not only do we have to change his TREATS to make extra sure he’s not consuming any allergens whatsoever and stop giving him people food entirely (what, you do it too, shut up), we can’t leave anything edible (or inedible, for that matter) on our counters or tables, lest he scarf them down.

It’s kind of like childproofing, except your toddler has the reach of a six-foot-tall adult and will not only mouth but actually consume whatever he can acquire.

Why did he have to finally realize just how tall he is???

Previous episodes of “Things Murphy Destroyed or Ate”:

• My Glasses Case
• Prescription Drugs
• A Framed Photo of the Dogs
• Electronics
• A Wallet

Contents Copyright © 2008 Kristen King

(www.meowbarkblog.com) — While gathering photos for the rotating snapshots in the new MBB design, I realized that I have virtually no pictures of my lynx point Siamese, Zoe. She was the first pet I ever had that was MINE, and we took tons of photos of her on film, which are now trapped in albums that are around here somewhere if I ever get to finding them.

But we’ve since switched to digital, we’ve basically stopped photographing her. It was just a timing thing, I think. We moved to a new house where she camps out in our bedroom and seldom leaves, and the other animals are constantly underfoot so they get photographed and she doesn’t because she’s under the bed. (She seems to like it there, honest.) If she ran away, I wouldn’t even have a picture for the LOST poster! I’m such a bad mom.

Admittedly, it’s unlikely she would get lost under our bed. You know what I mean, though.

I know I play favorites with my little guys. It’s hard not to when some of them hate you, you know? (coughcoughzoecoughcough) And it’s also hard when some of them worship the ground you walk on. (coughcoughtycoughcough) And when some of them are lovable troublemakers who get into everything and require constant supervision. (coughcoughmurphycoughcough)

These animals are like my kids. Does this mean I’ll have a favorite kid, too? Yikes. Does that mean my PARENTS had a favorite kid? This is complicated. Maybe I should stick with cats and dogs for a few more years.

Contents Copyright © 2008 Kristen King

(www.meowbarkblog.com) — It’s been a while since we had an episode of “Things Murphy Destroyed or Ate,” so it was about time for him to ruin something. And ruin it he did.

This used to be my glasses case:

From what I can glean from the crime scene, one of the cats knocked the case to the floor from my nightstand while fleeing from Murphy. Thwarted in his attempts to eat the kitty, he ate the case instead. Fortunately, the glasses were on my face instead of in the case.

Earlier episodes:

• Prescription Drugs
• A Framed Photo of the Dogs
• Electronics
• A Wallet

He’s going to grow out of this soon, right?

Contents © Copyright 2008 by Kristen King

(www.meowbarkblog.com) — As soon as I started playing these, Pickles got her serious bark on and was totally freaking out. I think she wants to be a gangsta pug, too!

- Kristen

Well, if this isn’t irony, I don’t know what is. I came home from being gone maybe an hour, and found the house in utter disarray.

Now, before I get into the details, it’s important to point out that with as well as things have been going since Bark Busters came, we’ve started leaving the dogs loose in the house when we’re gone for short periods of time. Aside from a few garbage can incidents, it’s been mostly successful. Until yesterday.

Something felt a little…off when I walked in. Then, I saw the new phone book. Or, rather, what was left of the new phone book. We’d dropped it on the coffee table and forgotten about it, but the dogs didn’t! Parts of the alphabet were strewn all over the house, with a big shredded pile still attached to the binding. Bye-bye, phone book!

It wasn’t until I began picking up G-J that I realized that something else was in the pile. I started finding broken glass and wood splinters. And then I discovered our “family photo” amid the debris: me, Jesse, and the three dogs.

They stole a wrapped present out of a bag in the dining room, unwrapped it, and procecded to utterly destroy a framed photo of themselves. Except, the picture was unharmed, just a little slobbery. Awesome.

Even more awesome was that as I swept up the mess, I started finding huge splotches of blood all over the floor. A careful examination of everyone’s paws failed to reveal who the bleeder was. It wasn’t until I separated everyone during the cleaning efforts that I finally discovered who it was: Pickles, as evidenced by the blood spots all over the white carpet in my office, where she was confined. Did I mention that it was awesome? She is fine, by the way.

In Murphy’s defense, I don’t think he worked alone. But now that we’ve stopped calling him “the life ruiner,” we’re back to referring to him as “Destructor.”

And here are a few other things they’ve destroyed recently. My favorite was the feather pillow. It looked like a duck exploded, and the best part was the feather stuck all over Murphy’s face.