I’ve been on a self-improvement kick of late and have been taking a hard look at myself and my life. Something that keeps coming back to me are excellent pieces of advice I’ve received over the years.
- “Just because someone has a lesson to learn doesn’t mean you have to teach it to them.”
- “Do what needs to be done when it needs to be done the way it needs to be done whether you feel like doing it or not.”
- “When you’re wrong, admit it. When you’re right, shut up.”
- “Never stop being your husband’s girlfriend or wife’s boyfriend.”
Particularly as I’ve been trying to improve my marriage to a wonderful man whom I adore by making changes to myself, I’ve realized that these brilliant recommendations apply in so many areas. How could you put them to use?
“Just because someone has a lesson to learn doesn’t mean you have to teach it to them.”
Who Said It: My mother-in-law (DH’s mom)
What It Means: Let’s face it: Some people are just jerks, and there’s nothing you can do about it. But most of the time, folks aren’t trying to be mean, annoying, inconsiderate, etc. When they do the things that drive you nuts or make you cringe, they’re just oblivious to the fact that their actions are wrong, inappropriate, or otherwise disquieting. While it sure would be nice to believe that your saying something about it would solve the problem, chances are that ain’t happening. So unless you’re in imminent danger, let it go.
Where You Can Use It: Everywhere. Whether it’s the driver who cut you off in traffic or the spouse who never manages to get his/her clothes into the hamper, is it really worth ruining your day? Some things just aren’t that important. Clearly if that guy is driving so fast he has somewhere very important to be. And clearly you care more about the little details of laundry aim than your partner does — so get out of the way and pick the clothes up yourself.
Why It’s Hard to Do Sometimes: It’s only logical that we would feel hurt and even indignation when we see wrongs being committed around us, however minor. But it’s not up to us to make decisions about other people’s intentions or “teach them a lesson” when we don’t like something they’ve done. (This, of course, does not apply to things that are dangerous or illegal, in which case we have a moral obligation to speak up, but that still doesn’t mean we have to do the teaching. We can stop at the calling-the-police. It also doesn’t apply to providing your children with appropriate loving discipline and guidance. But you knew that already.)
“Do what needs to be done when it needs to be done the way it needs to be done whether you feel like doing it or not.”
Who Said It: My mom
What It Means: Your mood at any given moment does not negate your responsibilities and obligations. Whether you meet those responsibilities and obligations happily or grumpily is irrelevant so long as you meet them. Being tired, frustrated, sad, tired, whatever, does not constitute an excuse for bailing out on your life. So suck it up and take care of business.
Where You Can Use It: At home and at work. So what if you slept poorly last night? Your employer has to pay you either way, and it’s your obligation to do a good job because that’s what you were hired for. So what if you and the hubby had an argument about something? It’s still your obligation to make dinner, clean up, do laundry, take care of the kids, etc. Feelings are feelings, not Get Out of Jail Free cards. Don’t treat them as such. Be mad, be sad, be tired all you want — but do what you’re supposed to do.
Why It’s Hard to Do Sometimes: When we’re constantly bombarded with messages in the media, in popular culture, and from so-called experts telling us that we “deserve” some “me time” or “a break” or “more from life” or “free money” or any number of other things that just sound so nice, it’s easy to get caught up in a me-centric view of life that overlooks the importance and value of our responsibilities to others. That includes our responsibilities to our families, our communities, and our employers. Newsflash: Regardless of the type of relationship you’re in, it’s not about “me” — it’s about the other person/people and “we.” I don’t care if you think it would be easier to throw that candy bar wrapper out the window while you’re driving; stick it in your pocket until you find a trash can. I don’t care if you had a bad day at work; put on your big girl panties and be a pleasant, decent person when you get home. Clean your house even if it doesn’t thrill you. Make a nutritious dinner for your family even if you’re not in a good mood. Get over the mistaken notion that everything in your life must be perfect at all times or you get to check out. It doesn’t work that way.
“When you’re wrong, admit it. When you’re right, shut up.”
Who Said It: Blog reader ClumberKim in response to the post Are You the Kind of Spouse You’d Like to Be Married To?
What It Means: The only thing more annoying than a person who’s right all the time is a person who’s right all the time and wants to make sure you know it. In a very close second is the person who refuses to ever admit when he’s wrong. The reason these people are so obnoxious is that it’s all about them and never about the solution or making peace. (Note: I have been one of these people and am currently breaking out of that pattern.) When you screw up, admit it and move on. When you’re right about something, don’t lord it over the person who was wrong.
Where You Can Use It: At home, at work, and in public. No one likes admitting that he’s wrong or that he made a mistake, but it’s even harder and more uncomfortable when the person he has to admit it to is smug and condescending. Whether your coworker made an oversight that you caught or your spouse made a poor judgment call about something, the last thing he or she needs is to feel like even more of a dolt when you rub his or her face in it. Just say, “Okay,” and move on. And if you’re the one who’s caught in a gaffe, fight the instinct to be defensive, accept the correction, and keep going forward. This also goes for inadvertently bumping into a stranger, causing or being victim of a fender bender, or giving or receiving incorrect change. See a resolution, not restitution or revenge.
Why It’s Hard to Do Sometimes: I’m the first to admit that there’s a certain feeling of elation, gratification, and validation that comes with being right. Likewise, there’s a certain shame and embarrassment that accompanies being wrong. When we’re so caught up in those feelings within ourselves, it’s easy to forget about the feelings of the other person. But just as you don’t like it when other people pull the “Neener, neener, neener” card when you’re wrong or get petulant and angry when you’re right, they feel the same way about you. Don’t be a baby. Consider the feelings of others.
“Never stop being your husband’s girlfriend or wife’s boyfriend.”
Who Said It: Dr. Laura C. Schlessinger (a paraphrase)
What It Means: Back when you and your spouse were just dating, I’m willing to bet that you were sweet and charming and complimentary and well groomed/dressed and happy to compromise and put his/her feelings first pretty much all the time. That comes with the territory of trying to win someone over. But have you “let yourself go” since you snagged the officially, ring and all? That’s when people start to lose that lovin’ feeling — because they stop doing the things that made their partner fall in love with them in the first place. But what do you think would happen if you recreated those courting behaviors with your spouse? Think about it. Or better yet, try it. Dr. Laura also advises people to “Choose wisely. Treat kindly,” and that advice goes hand-in-hand with this tip.
Where You Can Use It: Your marriage. That one’s kind of obvious. But not just in the privacy of your own home, where you treat your spouse like the king or queen you married. Do it when you’re out in public, too, holding hands like twitterpated teenagers. Do it when you talk to your friends and family, building up your spouse by talking about his or her good qualities. Do it when you’re alone, too, as you think about all the wonderful things your spouse has done for you and what you can do for him or her.
Why It’s Hard to Do Sometimes: Although there are any number of reasons it’s difficult to be your spouse’s girl-/boyfriend throughout your marriage, I think it comes down to two main sources:
- Cultural reinforcement of the idea of the wife as a ball and chain and the husband as the bumbling idiot or emotionally unavailable rake, both of whom control their wives and demand constant sexual satisfaction; and
- Lack of good models to demonstrate the equal dignity and beauty of spouses who each fulfill their respective roles with love and respect, both in our own homes as we grow up and in society as a whole.
Newsflash: Flirting with your husband is a good thing, ladies. So is shaving your legs and wearing cute nighties to bed instead of letting yourself turn into the ogre under the bridge once you’ve snagged your man. These are not manipulations or burdens — they are fun and loving and girlfriend-y things to do. And a guy who already has a girlfriend (and one who shares great married sex with him any time he wants it at that) isn’t likely to seek one elsewhere. Just a thought.
The same goes for guys. Tell your wife she’s beautiful, take her on a date, hold her hand on the couch, and be her man. Surprise her with something little like a candybar or a flower or even just a heartfelt “I love you” and a kiss on the cheek. When we feel treasured and cherished by our husboyfriend, we’re not going anywhere, either, and we won’t be led astray by the compliments of the attractive guy in the next cubicle at work because we have all the man we need or want at home.
That’s some of the best advice I’ve ever received. What about you? What advice could you share? And how could these suggestions transform your life?
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This post really hit home in more ways than one. Thanks for taking the time to write it!!
I’m so glad, Sherry. Thanks for taking the time to comment. 🙂
Hear, hear!
Thoroughly enjoyable post. Thanks for the reminder that part of adulthood is not acting like a spoiled brat. Keep it coming!
I’m so fortunate to be married to the man I am married to. We still flirt and date and act like goo-goo-eyed fools around each other. That’s twelve years after first meeting.
To your first point, which I’ve often referred to with myself and others. It’s not that someone else’s words or actions are always the problem – it’s that their words or actions are sometimes reflecting right back onto us. Why does one person garner adoration to some and totally repels others? It’s our reactions to them based on our own background, experiences, hot buttons. That’s been my experience. When someone ticks me off, I need look no further than my own brain for the reason why it bothered me so much.
But you’re also right when you say some people are just jerks. There are people in the world whose sole purpose seems to be to annoy the crud out of the rest of us. :))
You are a great writer and thinker Kristen. I’m very glad that Julia referred me to your site.
The wisdom that has transformed my life is to follow peace from Philippians 4:6-7. This has helped me in so many ways that I don’t even know where to begin.
Thanks so much for your quality posts.
Brian
Great tips!
I heard another good one: Never do a better job at something than you need to do to get it done. This was in a housekeeping with little ones article I had. I used to be a perfectionist about making beds with hospital corners and no creases in the sheets. Now I just change the sheets, because that’s what needs to get done.
I have my own version of when you’re wrong admit it. Mine is “and when you’re right blog about it!” 🙂
Wonderful suggestions, folks. Thank you!