How to make boundaries work for real: It’s not as complicated as you think

This is a mini-masterclass in boundaries, so buckle up.

The question:

I don’t want to see this person more often than every 3-4 months. We just saw each other a week and a half ago, and they already texted me asking to get together again. How do I respond and reaffirm my boundaries?

My answer:

Did you LITERALLY tell them that? Or did you assume they knew because that’s basically what’s been happening?

Either way, it’s not on them to honor your boundaries – it’s on YOU to honor your boundaries. They can ask for whatever they want. You are not obligated to grant the request or even acknowledge it.

That’s how you reaffirm the boundary. You DO the boundary.

If you already communicated it, you just stick with the plan.
You told them.
They’ve been told.
It’s clear.

If you didn’t communicate it, you communicate it and then you stick with the plan.

So how you reinforce the boundary is by HOLDING the boundary – not explaining, justifying, apologizing, repeatedly explaining something once it’s been made very clear, etc.

If you don’t want to make plans with them before 3 months have passed, don’t make plans with them.

You just…DO the boundary. That’s it.

Stop trying to get other people
on board with your boundaries.
Get YOURSELF on board with them.

Because the truth is, if you don’t enforce the boundary it’s not a boundary at all. It’s a thing you said that one time (or, perhaps, screamed repeatedly) but didn’t actually mean.

And it’s YOUR job to do what you said you would do in the situation.

We get all, “They’re not honoring my boundaries.” But it’s not them. It’s us.

“I told him to stop calling me after 10 p.m. but he keeps calling and then we end up talking for an hour and I just want to go to bed.”

Babe. Stop answering the damn phone. Put it on Do Not Disturb, turn your ringer off, mute the contact, or block them.

“I told her not to come by unannounced anymore, but now she’s here and she won’t leave.”

Stop opening the door. Seriously. If you didn’t invite her over, she doesn’t get to come over. I mean, she may show up, but it’s your damn house. Surely you don’t open the door without knowing who it is first, right? So stop letting her in.

“I said I wasn’t cleaning the kitchen tonight,so he said he’d do the dishes. But it’s almost midnight, he’s asleep, they’re still in the sink, and now I have to do them. Why does this always happen?”

BECAUSE YOU KEEP DOING THE DISHES. You don’t have to do shit. You CHOOSE to do the dishes when he hasn’t done them because you value them being done when you want them done the way you want them done more than you value not doing them.

Requests are for
asking others to do something.

Boundaries are for informing them
of what YOU are going to do.

Request: Please do not call me after 10 p.m.
Boundary: If you call me after 10 p.m., I will not answer the phone.

Request: Please don’t come over if we don’t have plans already.
Boundary: If you show up unannounced, I will not come to the door and you will not be invited in.

Request: Please clean the kitchen.
Boundary: If I’m the one who cooked dinner, I am not going to clean the kitchen.

Every time you take the call, open the door, do the dishes anyway — you tell the person you expressed the boundary to that you didn’t actually mean it, you weren’t serious, and they can ignore you because you’re on board after all.

It’s a big “Just kidding!” and the more you do it, the more you train other people that you don’t mean what you say.

But they get really mad when I follow through.

Which is why you keep bailing on yourself: Because you want to control their feelings and thoughts toward you (which, spoiler alert, is not a thing you can literally do. sorry.).

But they don’t actually have to like your boundary. They’re allowed to hate it. No problem.

The only person who has to like your boundary is YOU.

And you’re allowed to have it just because you want to.

You don’t need to justify it.

You don’t need to explain it.

You don’t need to get their approval or their permission.

You don’t need to apologize.

You don’t need to make excuses.

You don’t need to fight about it.

You don’t need to earn it.

You are allowed to have boundaries because you are allowed to have boundaries.

What boundaries do you want to set or reinforce in your life?

When are you going to express them?

How are you going to have your own back?

These are the kinds of questions I help my clients answer in my 1:1 VIP coaching program. In 6 months we radically transform all the things in your life that aren’t working they way you want them to.

For my beautiful perfectionists and people-pleasers who are ready to stop giving so many fucks to so much bullshit, boundaries are often priority No. 1.

If you’re ready to get all your fucks back, boundaries are where it’s at.

And if you’re not sure where to start, I can help.

Hire me as your coach, and in 6 months I’ll give you the life you didn’t know you were allowed to have.

You make the decision to do it, and I’ll walk you through the whole thing.

Ready?

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I Want to Give Fewer Fucks and Have Amazing Boundaries
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I can’t wait to help you blow your own mind.

#AskKiki — Submit your question now!

Email me with your BURNING LIFE QUESTION and I’ll tackle it in an upcoming issue. Make sure you give me enough info to know what’s going on and what you think the problem is so I can help you. Pretend like you’re writing in to an advice column in the newspaper. Because you basically are, but your cool aunt/big sister/badass hero is on the other end, not some stranger. 😉