I used to think that if I said I would do something I HAD to do it.
If I wanted to be someone who other people could count on, someone who I could count on, I had to follow through.
Exactly as originally conceived.
Come hell or high water.
Even if it killed me.
(And believe me, the level of burnout that created definitely felt like it WOULD kill me.)
Otherwise, I was a flaky piece of shit who lacked integrity and would never amount to anything in the world and then everyone would know how awful I was.
I OWED it to other people to do the thing no matter what.
And I owed it to myself if I wanted to NOT be a complete garbage human.
That’s what person after person told me, anyway — either explicitly or through judgy comments about their “flaky” friends, coworkers, etc.
But here’s the thing.
Just because you planned or promised to do something doesn’t actually mean you can’t change your mind.
Your plans and promises are things that seemed like a good idea when they occurred to you.
Your plans and promises are NOT a life sentence.
You can change your mind.
And when you realize the original thing is not aligned with who you are, what you want, and what you need, you SHOULD change your mind.
Because aligning your shit is what integrity is all about.
Integrity is NOT about blindly following the plan even when it’s a bad one, even when it harms you, just to “keep your word” like a “good girl” is “supposed to.”
That’s not integrity. That’s perfectionist, patriarchal, people-pleasy bullshit.
So consider this your permission slip to change your mind…
to change the plan…
to update the promise you made to other people…
so you can keep the promises you made to YOURSELF about the kind of life you want for yourself.
That’s what I’m doing.
I want to invite you to do it too.
If you need a break, take a break — even if it means cancelling plans, even late in the game, even at “the last minute.”
If you need a rest, take a rest — even if it means you “miss out” on something that would have just further exhausted you anyway.
If you thought you could do something but it’s just too much — too much time, too much money, too much energy, too much anything — let them know you can’t.
That’s the key part: Let them KNOW.
Practice this phrase:
“I thought I could but I actually can’t. Thanks for understanding.”
You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm (or to not be a dumpster fire of a person).
You just probably wanna let them know they gotta warm themselves so they aren’t standing around waiting for you when you have no intention of coming.
Ghosting is kind of a dick move MOST of the time. But letting people know? That’s what grown-ups do. That’s integrity. It’s about COMMUNICATING not about blind compliance.
Some people won’t like it when you update your promises based on whatever you realize. That’s okay.
When we stop people-pleasing, people aren’t pleased.
That’s kind of how this thing works.
But they will figure it out. It’s not for YOU to babysit the emotions of grown-ass adults (who, by the way, are allowed to be disappointed and you do not need to fix that shit) to your own detriment.
Fuck that.
It’s not about keeping promises blindly when they don’t make sense. It sucks for everyone for us to stick to the original plan when the plan isn’t good anymore.
That’s what perfectionism has us miss:
That honoring our own needs is actually good for everybody.
Find a way to honor YOUR needs over arbitrary things you said that no longer make sense for whatever reason.
Stay home Saturday night if you want to.
Ask someone to bring a dish instead of making everything yourself.
Skip changing the sheets this week.
Extend your out-of-office for a couple more days so you can get over that wicked cold thing that literally everyone we all know has right now.
Take care of you. You deserve it.
🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻
Want help with that?
Getting your fucks back from arbitrary plans and to-do lists is some of the exact work we do in my group program 100 Days to Fewer Fucks. Over 15 weeks, I walk you step by step through the process of finding your lost fucks, bringing them back home, and creating a plan for a zero-fucks life — where the only fucks you give are the ones you truly want to. The next round starts February 8, 2023. More info and register here: https://kristenking.com/get-
P.S. Have you downloaded my free New Year, More You annual reflection workbook for 2022-2023 yet? If not, grab it here.
P.P.S. Want more life-changing content right in your inbox? Boop this link to get on my email list.
